UnHonorable
by meekobb
Summary: The thoughts, the memories, felt like a million knives stabbing into his chest.


**Disclaimer:** Characters are not mine, I make no profit, Please do not sue. **Author Note:** Beta'd by Bakarini on LiveJournal.

Not feeling the mood for company, John Sheppard hung back at the entrance to Atlantis' designated commissary, surveying the room. His eyes swept over a few scientists and some of his military groups scattered among the tables, either chatting with one another or studyingfiles or tablets as they ate their breakfast.

He saw Rodney standing over one table with a couple of his own science team discussing – correction – arguing, about something that John himself couldn't really be bothered by. Allowing himself a quiet chuckle, he was amused at the interaction and grateful that the head scientist and self proclaimed smartest human in not one, but two galaxies, didn't see John as his back was turned to the atrium.

Fight as he tried, the memories, the nightmares, the friends he had, and those he lost, always returned to haunt him. A father, who provided for his family, but never acknowledged the one thing they desired – that John desired. Acceptance, for who he was, instead of molding a child into the man that he wasn't meant to be. Nancy, a beautiful woman, who tried her best to see John, the real John. She had given up on him as well, growing tired of his running every time she took a step closer to his soul. Then there was Holland, whom he wasn't able to rescue despite following his conscious John defied his commanding officer's orders and returned behind enemy lines, jeopardizing his own future.

Continuing to the food line, Sheppard watched the room quietly. Once through the routine procession of loading his plate with what the cooks called food, and the savior side of Jello, he made his way to a shaded, secluded corner of the mess that granted him full view over the rest of the people.

John thought he was starting to get somewhere, with relationships in general, when Elizabeth almost begged him to join her expedition. Elizabeth. The thoughts, the memories, felt like a million knives stabbing into his chest. There was an attraction they both shared, and knew it. However after the whole alien body snatching incident, fear took the front seat and they kept each other at arm's length. Memories, images, flood John's mind of her standing in thatGo d forsaken corridor of the Replicators' home world, being surrounded. Her voice echoed in his head, to leave her. Every day, he goes on with the thought of 'What if?'.

As John began to eat his breakfast, he saw the other two members of his hand chosen team walk in. Teyla and Ronon appeared with smiles on their faces, or at the very least Teyla did. Ronon was trying to hide his smile from whatever the two had been discussing.John knew that they had something special between them. Something that he longed to have himself with someone – anyone.

Elizabeth wasn't the first friend in the Pegasus galaxy he'd lost. There was Ford. Everyday John walked through the corridors, he hoped one day he'd turn one and see him standing there, smiling, eagerly waiting for the team's next mission. Ford had his whole life in front of him, he would have made a fine officer, a good leader. Sheppard failed. He failed to get through to him, that damned Wraith enzyme. He failed to bring him home. Everyday, everyday ittore at his soul that he left a friend behind.

Watching the two, John gaze followed Ronon as he moved to the breakfast line, dragging two trays along the rail and filling up one of them. The other, he carefully placed certain items on after exchanging a few quiet words with the person assigned to serving duty this morning. Catching a glimpse of the cup of pudding and a plate of pancakes, heknew it was for Teyla. She had grown fond of certain Earth dishes, those two in particular. A small smile snuck to his face, only showing itself slightly in the curve of the corner of his lips. Ronon, very few knew, had a big heart, as well as a soft spot in it for Teyla. John knew that they shared a special kinship and respect that of a brother and sister. They knew each other as no one else truly could, both warriors of their past.

Ronon hadn't been lost to John, not yet, but had come close. Tyre, at first with his Satedan friends had betrayed their world, their culture by turning to the Wraith. While he could understand and relate to the human need for survival, Ronon could not. Not that he could be blamed for the inability to understand. He had to kill his friends, and former colleagues, for his own survival. Tyre had escaped then, only returned later to take John's friend away and turn him, as he had himself. Watching the strong and proud Satedan during those days, weeks, as the Wraith enzymes slowly fought for its own survival inside his blood, John had lost his friend in that time. Unlike Elizabeth and Ford, Ronon returned to him. But for how long?

Fingers tapping on the cup of coffee, the drink growing cold, he lifted it to his lips and took a lazy sip, realizing a set of golden brown eyes locked on his own. Slowly he lowered the mug back down to the table and let his own eyes linger on the ones that refused to end their absorption on him.

If there was anyone, that John Sheppard ever knew, Teyla Emmagen was the only one to truly get a solid glimpse into his soul. Not his father, not Nancy, and certainly not Elizabeth. Rodney pretended, Ronon was indifferent. Teyla, she knew John, and who he was, inside and out. She knew what he was about, and the suicidal sacrifices he wouldgo through for his team, his friends, and his family of Atlantis. Sometimes he feared she knew him too well, the feelings that he suppressed for years, that stirred deep inside only when she was near. The unexpected fear and sadness at her confession of being with another, andthat other fathering her child.

When she was taken by Michael, the fear nearly came to the surface to everyone. John was more determined than before to find her, as he did not know if he could lose another friend, especially the only one, the single woman to truly know him. He was never so relieved to discover her alive,and with her new born . Shocked, and unsure of why she chose him, Teyla gave him his namesake. Torren John Emmagen. 'It certainly had a nice ring to it,' he had thought on his way into surgery that day.

Fearing that she would be able to get another look into his soul, and learn his feelings as their eyes held each other's gaze, he broke the connection, the electricity that was eminating between them. If anyone had taken the time to see, to notice, it was so unmistakable that it would stop one in their tracks. When John looked back up at her, Teyla had lifted her chin, with a slight lack of spirit that was signature to her aura, and full of sorrow as she turned her head away from his direction. She knew, she had seen him, again.

Collecting the remnants of his breakfast and unable to finish the rest, John sat for a moment and looked around again. Rodney was still arguing, Ronon was approaching Teyla with trays of food, and Teyla, who hid her emotions well, glanced back and offered her breakfast companion a bright smile. John Sheppard knew that he couldn't let anyone any closer to him than they already were. For he believed he was cursed, to be the warrior, the leader, and rarely the friend and the lover.


End file.
